Some time ago we told you of our intention to compile a list of things we could do thirty years ago, and now can't. Once we can get up to 500 things, we're going to publish it to the newspapers.
We're doing pretty well - we're up to 385, so only 115 more to go. Come on, guys, get your brains in gear. Email your suggestions to captaingrumpy@fastmail.fm or post them in our Guest Book..
Here's the list as it now stands
• You can't call yourself a Yid. If you are one, that is.
• Or, according to Tottenham Hotspur FC, you can't call yourself a Yid if you aren't one.
• You can't carry celery when attending a Chelsea match.
• You can't send your child to university if you went to one yourself. I mean, be fair. You had your turn.
• You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being lectured about Global Warming.
• You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being moved on by some local council jobsworth armed with a £50 fixed penalty notice.
• You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being told to wear Factor 1,000 in case you burn.
• You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being harangued because it offends Islam.
• You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being suspected of child abuse.
• You can't drop a (completely bio-degradable, in my case) fag end in the gutter.
• You can't call anyone a black bastard, because that's racist.
• You can't tell anyone about someone else calling people black bastards, because that's racist too.
• You can't tell anyone about someone else telling someone else about calling people black bastards, because that's racist2.
• You can't stand up and cheer when your team score.
• You can't drive with your eyes on the road rather than the speedometer.
• You can't do, write or say anything without looking over your shoulder in case someone doesn't like it.
• You can't send out of the country people who've come here illegally or come as our guests and then commit crimes or plot to kill us.
• You can't fly without being made to feel guilty.
• You can't drive without being made to feel guilty.
• You can't smoke without being made to feel guilty.
• You can't eat without being made to feel guilty.
• You can't put salt on your chips without feeling guilty.
• You can't eat chips without feeling guilty.
• You can't eat fish without feeling guilty (unless you're Japanese).
• You can't have sex with a woman without being made to feel guilty because she isn't a man.
• You can't drive a nice big car without some woman in dungarees giving you a hard time.
• You can't refer to someone as a cream-puff without being arrested.
• You can't have a bonfire and fireworks without some tosser from elfin safety knocking on your door and telling you (a) how to do it, and/or (b) not to do it.
• You can't ogle a barmaid without being accused of sexual harassment.
• You can't find it a bit odd and slightly distasteful when men fiddle around with each other's privates or stick things up their bottoms.
• You can't work with, around or close to children without being branded a potential pervert.
• You can't ask a builder to get rid of the rubbish he's created while working on your house, because unless he has a special licence to do so, he'll be fined £5,000.
• You can't have an impromptu sing-song with a couple of musicians in a pub.
• You can't make fun of silly people who believe in fairies, devil-worship, UFOs, acupuncture, herbal therapy, man-made global warming, centuries-old prophets with towels round their heads or some old man with a beard who lives in the sky (no, not Richard Branson. The other one).
• You can't carry a pen-knife.
• You can't save up and buy a nice house to leave to your kids (because the bloody government will steal it when you die).
• You can't get through September, October and November without being bombarded with stuff about Christmas, which, let's make no mistake about it, doesn't happen until almost the end of December. That's December, all right?
• You can't expect any scientist to talk sense at any time. Actually, they never have, have they? In 1970 some scientists told us "in ten years all important animal life in the sea will be extinct. Large areas of coastline will have to be evacuated because of the stench of dead fish".
• You can't expect anyone at all to talk any sense if the topic under discussion is Global Warming. Here's just one example. In the Stern Report there was much mention of "irreversible melting of ice". Quite a lot of scientists know that water freezes again when it gets cold enough. So not completely irreversible, then?
• You can't pay a lady to have sex with you. If she's happy and you're happy, why the hell not?
• You can't spot and arrest a criminal if they're disguised as a masked Muslim woman, if the case of PC Sharon Beshenivsky is anything to go by.
• You can't fight back if someone decides to mug you in the street.
• You can't chase a burglar you caught with his hands in your wife's knicker-drawer.
• You can't chase a burglar you caught with his hands in your wife's knickers.
• You can't , if you're a 14-year-old schoolboy in Hertfordshire, go after the thugs who've been bullying your little brother, and knock them down.
• You can't advertise on prime-time television the following: Marmite, Flora Lite, cheese, bran flakes, instant hot oat cereal, reduced calorie mayonnaise, multi-grain hoop cereal, creme fraiche, potato waffles, Greek yoghurt, ham, sausages, bacon, low-fat spreads, peanuts, cashew nuts, pistachio nuts, peanut butter, raisins, sultanas, currants, low-fat potato crisps, olive oil, butter, mother's milk (but Diet Coke, on the other hand, is fine).
• You can't drink more than four glasses of red wine (three if you're a woman) without being accused of binge-drinking.
• You can't feed chips to seagulls, as 14-year-old Jack Double of Ipswich found. Or bread-crumbs to pigeons in the case of Nottingham pensioner Beryl Withers.
• You can't get a passport. You know, a plain and simple little booklet with your name and address and a photo in it, that you show to people when you go on holiday in France or Majorca. A simple little booklet that doesn't involve betraying your entire life-history, giving samples of every bodily fluid you excrete, prints of every digit, slivers of finger-nail, lock of hair, eye of toad and wing of bat etc.
• You can't use a hose on your garden. Wasting water is the water companies' job, and they're very good at it. They don't need any help from you.
• You can't decide how much to feed your own dog without fear of help, advice, supervision and interference from the RSPCA.
• You can't assume that just because you've lived in this country for 42 years, had two British husbands, four British children and eleven British grandchildren, you'll be allowed back in when you pop across to visit your old Dad in America. Dawn Woodcock wasn't.
• You can't hunt foxes with dogs.
• Actually you can't hunt anything with dogs. So your dog can't kill a rat, but your cat can. Not sure what the situation would be if a rat killed your dog, but it would almost certainly be your fault
• You can't offer a reward for the return of your property if someone steals it.
• You can't have something go wrong without it being "someone's fault". Train breaks down? You trip over a paving-stone? You slip on a shiny floor? You venture too far onto the rocks and get swept away by a wave? Someone has to be blamed. Not you, of course.
• Pretty soon you won't be able to drive on the roads you paid for without being charged again for the privilege.
• You can't, when speeding down the road at 90mph, expect to be pulled up by a policeman on a motorbike or in a car. Instead, expect to be prosecuted by a yellow box for doing 31mph in a built-up area at 3 o'clock in the morning.
• You can't send your children to school to receive something you would recognise as an education. Instead, they'll be brainwashed into believing that gay sex is the right-on way to go, that the heat-death of the universe is going to happen in five years' time and that Divali and Ramadan are important.
• You can't, when flying, sit next to a child. Because, of course, you're an abuser. Well, you might be. It pays to be on the safe side - after all, instances of child-abuse on aeroplanes are commonplace . aren't they? And if it ever did happen, someone would sue the airline, naturally, for allowing it.
• You can't drive to work in your own car, apparently, if you're called Stephen Booth from Bolton. Police stopped him, confiscated his completely legal, taxed, tested and insured car, refused to give it back and then crushed it because their computer made a mistake and they didn't have (a) the humility and (b) the imagination to admit that they'd made a mistake.
• You can't sign a petition with the hope that anyone might take any notice. Millions of people signed a petition about road pricing, but long before the closing date the government had announced that they had no intention of paying any attention.
• You can't, if you're a woman, gain weight between pregnancies. It can affect the health of your baby.
• You can't, if you're a woman, lose weight between pregnancies as this can also affect the health of your baby.
• You can't buy a holiday home in Prince Charles's new development, Surfbury in Cornwall. It's OK for you to earn loads of dosh, but you mustn't spend it.
• You can't use, if you're a health-care worker in Scotland, words like 'mum', 'dad', 'husband', 'wife' or 'marriage' when talking to patients and their er people who are with them. They might be lesbians, gays or bisexuals and take offence. Which doesn't say much for lesbians, gays and bisexuals.
• Similarly, if you work for the BBC, you can't talk about "Mummy" and "Daddy" when addressing children. For a while this was replaced by "your parent", but this soon became "your guardian". The latest PC term used on C-Beebies is "your grown-up helper".
• You can't call an ambulance with any hope that it will arrive in time to be useful.
• You can't stay in hospital one minute longer than absolutely necessary, especially if it's 1.45 in the morning and you're an 84-year-old heart patient in Ipswich who has just been given the all-clear. You'll be in a taxi home before you can say "Look, I paid for this f*cking Health Service ."
• You can't decide that if you're terminally ill, in pain, depressed and shorn of all remaining hope, you would prefer to end it all. Whatever happened to "Thou shalt not kill; but need not strive officiously to keep alive ..."?
• You can't drive down Whitehall in a lorry with "Blair, don't send our young prince to your catastrophic illegal war to make it look plausible" written on the side. Not even if you're Chris Eubank.
• You can't , if you're a poor African, exploit the coal and oil and other natural resources of your own country to make your own life better.
• You can't do anything in a school, according to the Muslim Council of Britain, that conflicts with the teachings of Islam - dancing, swimming, wearing normal British clothing, holding exams during Ramadan
• You can't safeguard your own privacy. For instance, during the council tax revaluation in Wales in 2005, people were warned that if they did not fill in detailed questionnaires about their houses, they could face forcible entry from officials.
• You can't enhance your own home with your own money. If you do, you will be spied upon (from helicopters if necessary) by the local council, and punished by having your Council Tax Band increased.
• You can't have a drink and then drive. All right, fair enough, but .
• You can't not have a drink and then drive. The government has authorised police to undertake random breath-testing.
• You can't expect to be "innocent until proven guilty", not in Gloucester, anyway. If council inspectors think you've dropped litter in the town centre, or if they think you haven't but you might, or if they just don't like your ugly face, they'll put your photo on their website and brand you a "litter criminal".
• You can't flush more than six litres down your loo. It's the law, apparently.
• You can't buy Thawpit Spot-Remover. In case you drink it, presumably, because you are, after all, terminally stupid.
• You can't store more than a thimbleful of petrol for your lawn-mower/outboard motor in the garage. In case you set fire to yourself, presumably, because you are still, after all, terminally stupid.
• You can't throw away a nearly-empty paint tin anywhere in the entire county of Suffolk.
• Very soon, you won't be able to buy an ordinary light-bulb. Instead, pay five times as much for one that gives half the light.
• You can't take a photograph in a public place.
• You can't take a photograph of your own child when he's playing in a football match, running at sports day, acting in a school play etc.
• You can't smack a naughty child.
• You can't give a thick ear to a youth who has been throwing snowballs at your house for the last three hours.
• You can't "take the law into your own hands". Whose law is it, exactly? It's ours, isn't it? We may pay the judges and lawyers and police to administer it, but it's our law.
• You can't fly a pirate flag from a flagpole in your garden or the local council will come asking if you've got planning permission.
• You can't fly the flag of St.George from your house in case it offends residents of other nationalities.
• You can't expect any public servant to deal with you fairly and impartially. For instance, tax inspectors are on commission these days. Everyone has an axe to grind.
• You can't talk about "childhood" any more: the days of Enid Blyton are long gone. In one year weapons confiscated from children included guns, air pistols, swords and a flame-thrower while 10-year-olds were charged with serious sexual offences, robbery, actual bodily harm and assaulting a police officer.
• You can't remove the chip from your wheelie-bin. The council put their bin on your property, demand that you use it as they command and fit it with spyware to record your habits, but they'll prosecute if you object.
• You can't deny man-made Global Warming despite all the evidence. One Canadian scientist who did, received death threats from five different people.
• You can't trust the law. In the last twenty years dozens of men have been convicted of rape or child-abuse on the evidence of just one accuser years after the alleged event. Family Courts remove children permanently from alleged child-abusing parents with no requirement to actually prove anything, and several women have been convicted of murder on the silliest of expert evidence. One, Sally Clarke, recently died.
• Before long, you won't be able to leave school at 16. You can have sex, or even get married, but not leave school.
• You can't escape. Twenty-five percent of the world's CCTV cameras are in the UK- we are being watched by over four million cameras.
• You can't buy more than 32 Paracetamol tablets at a time. Before you can kill yourself you have to spend the entire day flitting from one chemist to another. Such a nuisance.
• You can't permanently switch off the autoformat feature in Microsoft Word.
• You can't forget the vapid, simpering Princess Diana, surely the most irritating woman this century.
• You can't cope with snow. Half an inch and the entire country grinds to a halt and the police forbid us to leave our homes. We understand it makes people from Canada wet themselves laughing.
• You can't be treated like sensible adults. For instance, you can't get near a river, lake, dock or cliff-top without being confronted by a forest of signs warning us "Danger! Cliffs!" We know they're cliffs. We can see they're cliffs. We know if you fall off a cliff you'll be killed. We know. Shut up! We KNOW!
• You can't elect the government you want. All governments in this country are minority governments, with more people voting against them than voted for them. The highest percentage of the vote any government has achieved since the war is still less than 50%. We are at all times ruled by the very people we said we didn't want to be ruled by.
• You can't put your rubbish in the bin at a railway station, because there isn't one. They took it away in case a terrorist put a bomb in it.
• You can't call a railway station by its proper name, "railway station". We seem to have adopted the American "train station".
• You can't get out of jail free. If they send you to prison for something you didn't do, and then later on you are cleared and released, they send you a bill!
• You can't fight a proper war any more. Any soldier who is careless enough to kill one of the enemy is likely to find himself on a murder charge.
• You can't be ill just any old how. These days there are some illnesses the NHS will treat, and others it can't be bothered with. You've got to have the right sort of illness. And if you are lucky enough to be accepted into hospital, they'll give you a free gift - MRSA.
• You can't smoke in a public place.
• You can't expect your rubbish to be collected at reasonable intervals. Your local council has now taken it on itself to decide when it'll come and what it'll take, and you just have to acquiesce or pay a fine.
• You can't put your own rubbish in a street litter-bin or you'll be fined. Street litter-bins are for street rubbish only. Er where does street rubbish come from?
• You can't find an NHS dentist.
• You can't say that anyone's "coloured". It used to be that you couldn't say they were black, but apparently that's OK now.
• You can't hang your towel on the towel rail in a hotel without having to read a notice warning you it might be hot.
• You can't walk on a wet floor without having to read a notice warning you it might be slippery.
• You can't buy a packet of peanuts that doesn't carry the warning that it may contain nuts.
• You can't keep a cock that crows.
• You can't ask a policeman the time, or for directions, because ...
• You can't find a policeman!
• You can't buy a golliwog.
• You can't have a snowball fight in the school playground.
• You can't play conkers in the school playground, either.
• You can't make slides when it's icy.
• You can't creosote your fence.
• You can't play cricket or football in the street.
• You can't dig the mud out of a ditch and chuck it anywhere you like - there's rules!
• You can't walk down the street or round the shops without being watched by CCTV
• You can't tell the truth, at least if it involves saying that someone in a position of power and authority has lied or acted dishonestly. Seditious Libel is a criminal offence under English law, carrying a possible sentence of life imprisonment. Proving that what was said is true affords no defence.
• You can't decide when to prune your own trees. Section 24 of the Local Government (Miscellaneous Provisions)Act 1976 allows an officer of a local authority to enter land in order to decide whether any action should be taken in respect of any tree on the land. It also permits council officers to enter the land in order to carry out work on a tree whether you want it done or not.
• You can't prevent a Forestry Commission official from entering your garden to "inspect your timber". If you try, there's a large fine. I expect you're safe enough if you live in a flat, but don't count on it.
• You can't just put any old fertiliser on your land, and you can't stop the fertiliser inspectors from entering your premises and taking samples of anything that takes their fancy. If you do, there's a large fine.
• You can't stop a DEFRA official from entering your land to count the number of rabbits
• You can't monkey around with Health and Safety inspectors. Under Section 20 of the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974, an inspector of the Health and Safety Executive or the local authority may enter any premises (e.g. your house) which he has reason to believe it is necessary for him to enter for a purpose for which he has been appointed (i.e. whenever he likes). Entry must normally be at a reasonable time, but the inspector may enter at any time if he believes the situation to be dangerous. This belief does not have to be reasonable (e.g. he can do what he likes). The inspector can take a police officer with him, and any equipment he believes necessary. Once on the premises the inspector has wide powers to take samples, remove objects, or close down parts of the premises, and to question any person present and require them to give a signed statement. There is a £5,000 fine for obstructing the inspector who can, after all, do what he likes.
• You can't pick something up from the beach and take it home. If you do, Section 247 of the Merchant Shipping Act 1995 allows an officer authorised by the Receiver of Wreck to enter any premises where an item from a shipwreck is "in the possession of some person who is not the owner of it" and to "search for, seize and detain" any such item.
• You can't watch even the crappiest television programmes unless you have a licence, and it's no use claiming you shouldn't have to pay because you never watch the BBC. Section 366 of the Communications Act 2003 allows an OFCOM inspector, along with any number of police officers, to enter your house or car at any time, using reasonable force, to search for evidence of unlicensed TV watching. If you don't let him, there's a fine of £5,000
• You can't refuse to let a Customs Officer enter your house.
• You can't refuse to let the electricity man into your house.
• You can't do anything about it if the Fire Brigade turn up and want to put your bonfire out. If you try, there's a fine.
• You can't refuse to let an official of the Environment Agency into your house, because The Environment is God, and He is God's Prophet. And besides, there's a £5,000 fine or two years in prison.
• You can't refuse entry to your house to someone who wants to enforce the Ottawa Convention on Landmines.
• You can't stop officials from entering your house and inspecting your computer if they believe there is evidence of "hacking". Well, they would say that, wouldn't they?
• You can't, under the terms of the Criminal Justice Act of 1988, deny entry to a policeman who wants to search your house for "offensive weapons". Since the average garage contains dozens of tools (hammers, screwdrivers, shears, saws, chisels etc.) that could be described as offensive weapons in the wrong hands, that pretty much gives the police carte blanche. So when you get home to find a constable spread out in front of your telly, eating your crisps, drinking your beer and making advances to the wife, don't be surprised - he's looking for offensive weapons.
• You can't deny entry to your house by an official of the Food Standards Agency who wants to search to see if you have any pesticides, or to root through your dustbin to see if it contains any food that isn't suitable for human consumption.
• You can't obstruct an official of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in the pursuance of his duties. It's not clear whether this includes collecting that old used condom you shoved under the bed just before your mother got home
• You can't prevent a policeman from entering your house if he has been authorized by a JP to search for "indecent materials" - so heaven help you if your teenage son has a stash of girly mags under the bed and a JP finds out.
• You can't prevent a policeman from entering your house if he has been authorized by a JP to search for knives that are being, or might be, sold. Heaven only knows how you tell the difference between a knife that's about to be sold, and one that's quite happy where it is, thank you.
• You can't, according to the provisions of the Nuclear Explosions (Prohibition and Inspection) Act of 1998, prevent officers from entering your house to look for fissionable materials under the bed. Your plea that you are simply collecting them in the pursuance of your hobby of amateur nuclear physics, will fall on deaf ears. And no, there is no De Agostini partwork enabling you to build your own nuclear reactor in just twenty-four monthly issues. There used to be, but the Iranians bought the rights.
• You can't, if you're Welsh, make sausages and market them as "Welsh Dragon Sausages" - because they don't contain any dragon meat. According to Powys Trading Standards officers, lots of people think dragons are real, apparently.
• You can't, if you're a baker in Weymouth, sell bird-shaped or pig-shaped biscuits called "Robin" or "Pig" because they aren't made of real robin or real pig. The local Trading Standards officers seem to think that lots of shoppers expect their biscuits to contain meat.
• You can't, if you're the same baker in Weymouth, sell confectionary called "Paradise slices" because they don't contain any real Paradise. Odd, then, that you can still go to a sweetshop and buy Jelly Babies.
• You can't, if you're English and white, expect to stand an equal chance when applying for a job in a government department or public utility.
• You can't put talcum powder on a baby's bottom because it's carcinogenic, supposedly. I mean, we all know that whole generations of babies have grown up with cancer of the bum, don't we?
• You can't have a drink if you're pregnant.
• You can't sit in front of the telly of an evening and peaceably work your way through a bottle of Merlot.
• You can't, if you're a pilot on the RAF, paint a pin-up on the nose of your aircraft. Strafing Muslim insurgents is OK, but you mustn't offend their delicate sensibilities.
• You can't go down to the beach for a swim without serious risk of catching some infection or other because of all the sewage we're pumping into the sea. Actually, this is no different to thirty years ago - except that these days we claim to have cleaned up our act.
• You can't wash your baby every day. According to scientists it gives them eczema.
• You can't snore. Scientists have decided that heavy snorers are more likely to suffer from Alzheimer's in old age.
• You can't hoard your lipstick. According to recent medical research it, and other cosmetics, harbours bacteria. Though as they're likely to be your own bacteria, does that matter? Of course, this research was funded by the cosmetics industry
• You can't eat patι de foie gras. It also causes Alzheimer's.
• You can't expose yourself to acetaldehyde because it gives you cancer.
• You can't expose yourself to acrylamide because it gives you cancer.
• You can't expose yourself to acrylonitril because it gives you cancer.
• You can't have an abortion because it increases your risk of cancer.
• You can't be exposed to agent orange because it gives you cancer.
• You can be exposed to alar because it gives you cancer.
• You can't drink alcohol because it increases your risk of cancer.
• You can't tolerate air pollution because it increases your risk of cancer.
• You can't be exposed to aldrin because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to alfatoxin because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to arsenic because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to arsine because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to asbestos because it gives you cancer.
• You can't sniff asphalt fumes because they give you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to atrazine because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to AZT because it gives you cancer.
• You can't give your child baby food because it'll give it cancer.
• You can't eat barbequed meat because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to benzene because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to benzidine because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to benzopyrene because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to beryllium because it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat beta-carotene because it gives you cancer.
• You can't chew betel nuts because they give you cancer.
• You can't use birth control pills because they give you cancer.
• You can't drink bottled water because it gives you cancer.
• You can't walk through bracken because it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat bread because it gives you cancer.
• You can't have breasts because they give you cancer.
• You can't wait at a bus station because they give you cancer.
• You can't use calcium channel blockers because they gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to cadmium because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to captan because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to carbon black because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to carbon tetrachloride because it gives you cancer.
• You can't, if you're a woman, have a career because it gives you cancer.
• You can't have casual sex because it gives you cancer. Damn.
• You can't inhale car fumes because they give you cancer.
• You can't eat celery because it gives you cancer (tell that to a Chelsea fan).
• You can't eat charred foods because they give you cancer.
• You can't chew gum because it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat Chinese food because it gives you cancer.
• You can't take Chinese herbal supplements because they give you cancer.
• You can't eat chips because they give you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to chloramphenicol because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to chlordane because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to chlorinated camphene because it gives you cancer.
• You can't swim in chlorinated water because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to chlorodiphenyl because it gives you cancer.
• You can't knock yourself out with chloroform because it gives you cancer.
• You can't have high cholesterol because it gives you cancer.
• You can't have low cholesterol because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to chromium because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to coal tar because it gives you cancer.
• You can't drink coffee because it gives you cancer.
• You can't visit a coke oven because they give you cancer.
• You can't eat crackers because they give you cancer.
• You can't paint your fence with creosote because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to cyclamates because they give you cancer.
• You can't eat dairy products because they give you cancer.
• You can't use deodorants because they give you cancer.
• You can't bathe in depleted uranium because it gives you cancer.
• You can't beat depression because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to dichloryacetylene because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to DDT because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to dieldrin because it gives you cancer.
• You can't drive a diesel car because the exhaust gives you cancer.
• You can't drink diet soda because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to dimethyl sulphate because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to dinitrotouluene because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to dioxin because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to dioxane because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to epichlorhydrin because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to ethyle acrilate because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to ethylene because it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to ethilene dibromide because it gives you cancer.
• You can't have any ethnic beliefs because they give you cancer (no, this is not a joke, some scientist really said this).
• You can't be exposed to ethylene dichloride because it gives you cancer.
• You can't take Ex-Lax because it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat fat because it gives you cancer.
• You shouldn't be fat because it gives you cancer. Probably. I'm guessing here.
• You can't use fluoride toothpaste or drink fluoridised water because it gives you cancer.
• You can't fly because it gives you cancer. Well, it's the planes really. Flapping your wings and jumping off a building isn't too healthy, either, but at least it doesn't give you cancer.
• You can't pickle yourself in formaldehyde because it gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate free radicals - they give you cancer.
• You can't eat french fries - they give you cancer.
• You can't eat fruit - it gives you cancer.
• You can't drive a car - petrol gives you cancer.
• You can't trust your own genes - they give you cancer.
• You can't eat gingerbread - it gives you cancer.
• You can't stand the thought of global warming - it gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate gluteraldehyde - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be a stonemason - granite gives you cancer.
• You can't eat grilled meat - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be a soldier - the Gulf War gives you cancer.
• You can't dye your hair - hair dyes give you cancer.
• You can't eat hamburgers - they give you cancer.
• You can't have an upset stomach - it might be caused by heliobacter pylori which give you cancer.
• You can't risk being exposed to the hepatitis B virus - it gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate hexachlorbutadiene - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to hexachlorethane - it gives you cancer.
• You can't have high bone mass - it gives you cancer.
• You can't take the HRT treatment because it increases your chances of cancer.
• You can't abide hydrazine - it gives you cancer.
• You can't bleach your hair - hydrogen peroxide gives you cancer.
• You can't be a Catholic - incense gives you cancer.
• You can't afford to be infertile - it increases your chances of cancer.
• You can't wear jewellery - it gives you cancer.
• You can't use Kepone to get rid of cockroaches - it gives you cancer.
• You can't kiss anyone - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be a couch potato - lack of exercise gives you cancer.
• You can't take laxatives - they give you cancer.
• You can't work with lead - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be left handed because it increases your chance of cancer.
• You can't use Lindane - it gives you cancer.
• You can't gargle with Listerine - it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat a low fibre diet - it gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate magnetic fields - they give you cancer.
• You can't expose yourself to malonaldehyde - it gives you cancer.
• You can't have a mammogram - mammograms give you cancer.
• You can't expose yourself to manganese - it gives you cancer.
• You can't smoke pot - marijuana gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to methyl bromide - it gives you cancer.
• You can't expose yourself to methylene chloride - it gives you cancer.
• You can't afford to be menopausal because it increases your chances of cancer.
• You can't cook in a microwave oven - they give you cancer.
• You can't breast-feed - milk hormones give you cancer.
• On the other hand you can't not breast-feed, because not breast-feeding gives you cancer. If you're a woman, presumably.
• You can't put mixed spices in your cooking - they give you cancer.
• You can't use a mobile phone - they give you cancer.
• You can't tolerate MTBE (methyl tertiary-butyl ether, a common petrol additive) - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to nickel - it gives you cancer.
• You can't go out at night - night lighting gives you cancer.
• You can't work the night shift - it gives you cancer.
• You can't work with nitrates - they give you cancer.
• You can't not be a twin - having a twin decreases your chances of getting cancer.
• You can't live near a nuclear power plant - they give you cancer.
• You can't put Nutrasweet in your coffee - it gives you cancer (so does coffee).
• You can't be a woman - oestrogen gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate olestra - it gives you cancer.
• You can't cook with olive oil - it gives you cancer.
• You can't drink orange juice - it gives you cancer.
• You can't use oxygenated gasoline - it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat oyster sauce - it gives you cancer.
• You can't breath in that bracing ozone at the seaside - ozone gives you cancer.
• On the other hand, ozone depletion gives you cancer as well.
• You can't be a computer techie - PCBs give you cancer.
• You can't eat peanuts - they give you cancer.
• You can't be a farmer - pesticides give you cancer.
• You can't keep a canary - pet birds give you cancer.
• You can't use plastic IV bags - they give you cancer.
• You can't be treated with polio vaccine - it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat potato crisps - they give you cancer.
• You can't live near power lines - they give you cancer.
• You can't eat meat or cheese - protein gives you cancer.
• You can't calm yourself down by taking Prozac - it gives you cancer.
• You can't wear a PVC mac - they give you cancer. Bl**dy sexy, though.
• You can't live near a radio mast - they give you cancer.
• You can't live in Cornwall - the rock contains the natural gas radon which gives you cancer.
• You can't use old railway sleepers in your garden - they give you cancer.
• You can't eat red meat - it gives you cancer.
• You can't use Roundup to kill weeds in the garden - it gives you cancer.
• You can't use saccharin instead of sugar - it gives you cancer.
• You can't put salt on your chips - it gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate selenium - it gives you cancer.
• You can't live near a semiconductor factory - they give you cancer.
• You can't eat shellfish - they give you cancer.
• You can't work in a "sick building" - they increase your chances of cancer.
• You can't put soy sauce in your wok - it gives you cancer.
• You can't allow yourself to become stressed - stress gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate strontium - it gives you cancer.
• You can't fit DIY plastic drainpipes or gutters - they're made of styrene which gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate sulphuric acid - it gives you cancer.
• You can't lie on a sun bed - they give you cancer.
• You can't go out during the day - sunlight gives you cancer.
• Nor can you protect yourself with sunscreen - it gives you cancer.
• You can't dust yourself with talc after a shower - it gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate tetrachloroethylene - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be a man - testosterone gives you cancer.
• You can't have big breasts - tight bras give you cancer.
• You can't eat toast - it gives you cancer.
• Even if you could eat toast, you couldn't make it in a toaster - they give you cancer.
• You can't smoke tobacco - it gives you cancer.
• You can't have your teeth filled - fillings give you cancer.
• You can't use toothpaste - it gives you cancer.
• You can't travel by train - railway stations give you cancer.
• You can't tolerate trichloroethylene - it gives you cancer.
• You can't shave your arm-pits - it gives you cancer.
• You can't cook on an unvented stove - they give you cancer.
• You can't bathe in uranium - it gives you cancer.
• You can't tolerate UV radiation - it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat vegetables - they give you cancer.
• You can't tolerate vinyl bromide - they give you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to vinyl chloride - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to vinyl fluoride - it gives you cancer.
• You can't play with vinyl toys - they give you cancer.
• You can't take vitamins - they give you cancer.
• You can't be exposed to vitreous fibres - they give you cancer.
• You can't paper your lounge - wallpaper gives you cancer.
• You can't be a welder - the fumes give you cancer.
• You can't drink water from a well - it gives you cancer.
• You can't put on weight or you'll get cancer.
• You can't abide the winter - it gives you cancer.
• You can't be a carpenter - wood dust gives you cancer.
• You can't work - it increases your chances of cancer.
• You can't have an x-ray - they give you cancer.
• You can't, as of November 2007 and if you're middle-class, drink more than one glass of wine or you'll get cancer.
• You can't eat bacon - it gives you cancer.
• You can't eat smoked meats of any kind - they give you cancer.
• You can't refuse to take folic acid in your diet - the government are insisting that all bread must contain folic acid, despite the fact that it gives you cancer.
• You can't, if you're a woman, take money from a man for having sex with him. It's your body, it's your life, you can eat and drink to excess, poke needles in yourself, get a tattoo or have your clitoris pierced, you can put an end to yourself if you want but before you do just don't presume you can make a purely private business arrangement with some bloke.
• You can't drive slowly in city streets - looking for a house-number or something - or you'll be arrested for "kerb-crawling". What's that all about? Doesn't a crime have to entail damaging someone else's person or property?
• You can't use a mobile phone while driving.
• You can't according to the new version of the Highway Code, smoke while driving.
• You can't, according to the new version of the Highway Code, eat while driving.
• You can't, according to the new version of the Highway Code, drink while driving - and no, we don't mean alcohol. We mean water or anything.
• You can't, according to the new version of the Highway Code, listen to loud music while driving.
• You can't, according to the new version of the Highway Code, read a map while driving.
• You can't, according to the new version of the Highway Code, put a CD in or tune the radio while driving.
• You can't, according to the new version of the Highway Code, have an argument while driving.
• Do you have an old tree stump in your garden you want to get rid of? You can't any longer buy that stuff that rots it down into mulch - Elfin Safety decrees that you are so stupid, you may drink it by mistake.
• You can't give your personal and bank details to a government department with any certainty that they won't immediately become public property because some idiot has burned them onto a CD and chucked them out of his car window, or something.
• You can't be a rugby player. The entire England rugby squad are, according to their body-mass index, clinically obese. And it probably gives you cancer.
• You can't take any pride in a national football team that can't even beat Croatia, a country we'd never even heard of thirty years ago.
• You can't bl**dy win.
either on this site or on the World Wide Web.
Copyright © 2007 The GOS
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